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Privatize everything!

The United States Postal Service is (and has been for a long time) under attack from elected officials because while it charges for its services, it doesn't make enough of a profit. This has caused great minds like Kevin Drum (who spits in the face of Mother Jones every time he gets a dollar from the website named for her) to call for privatization.


Well I say that's not far enough. There are a lot of things the government runs that isn't making enough of a profit for....someone. Anyone. Certainly not you or me. Here's a list of things that only cost money.


1: Streetlights

Seriously, street lights? It's dark, get over it. Morning will come as it always does. If you're so insistant on being outside at night, we can set up mobile payments so you can pay to light up your walking route. However there is a surcharge if you are seen walking with a loved one or friend without buying the two person deal.


2: The Military

Soldiers are the most beloved welfare queens in America and it's high time we put an end to it. Where's all the oil and Iraqi gold they were supposed to bring back to pay for these wars? Where's the rare earth minerals we were promised from Afghanistan? A PROPER military with the shareholder profits in mind would have had mining operations going three days after the fall of Baghdad. Our Government stooges care only about their 'armor' and get nearly half a million dollars in life insurance when they die. Time to cut them loose


3: Roads

It's a pandemic and you're probably working from home anyway. What's the point of keeping up miles and miles of blacktop with tax dollars? Where the hell do you need to go? The roads can be kept up by Uber and Instacart to make sure you get to the club and have plenty of delicious Cheez-It® brand snack crackers.


Cheez-It®: The square beyond compare


4: The US Department of Agriculture


Pretty much a no brainer. You need people to tell you what food is good to eat and what isn't? If it's not good, you're body will puke it out and you don't buy food from that person any more. Food poisoning only lasts a day or so, and I'm sure Instacart can get you delicious Cheez-It® from a different yawning chasam of warehouse stocked food. We could save billions if people just stopped being huge crybabies